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Wishful Newspaper

20 Jun

Imagine you wake up one morning with an unusually severe craving for chocolate. Pitying your empty wallet, you pick up the newspaper and find the headline “Chocolate rain expected today in Pakistan: meteorology department.”


Or due to some reason you missed the FIFA 2010 World Cup final; too angry at yourself, cursing your negligence, you look at the newspaper expecting to see the results of the match but the headline you see is “WC Final postponed; will be held in Pakistan next week.”


Well, our today’s newspaper is a bit similar. Yes, friends! This is what our today’s cover story is based upon. The wishful newspaper of today contains news that your favourite writers would like to see in tomorrow’s newspaper. Read on and enjoy their creative wishes! After all, this world is just the way you perceive it.



Pakistan shocks the world


Continues its eccentric actions; likely to ‘get the boot’


Muhammad Asif Nawaz

The ongoing atomic test’s episode in Pakistan, took a new turn this Thursday as the country carried out two successful neutron bomb tests in the southern province of Balochistan. Previously, the country had incongruously prohibited its land to be used in anyway against the ongoing ‘war on terrorism’.


Keeping in mind the American involvement in the war against terrorism, Pakistan has also revised its visa policy; denying visa to as many as 728 American applicants, claiming to seek admission in one of the many newly built prestigious universities of the country. Infact, earlier this month, the Pakistan Army also shot down two drones that were spotted flying in the North Waziristan region.


Ever since the country’s stand against outside forces, it has been showing incessant rise in Stock Exchange. Recently, the Karachi Stock Exchange outdid the two major economies of the region – Mumbai and Hong Kong.


Lately, Pakistan has been acting erratically. This strange series of events commenced after Prime Mininster Mausuf Raza Bilgrami dissolved the assemblies and stepped down furtively. Imran Khan swore in as the new Prime Minister. The former Prime Minister is believed to have moved to Switzerland for good.


AFP adds: Pakistan’s actions have invited different opinions from the rest of the world like China and most of the Muslim countries, with whom Pakistan is believed to have strongly allied. They have extended their full support to the country. However, according to a White House press release, the Unite States has warned Pakistan to ‘get the boot’ if it continues with its ‘dangerous, inhumane actions’. The Pakistani Premier responded by stating that now the people are entuned with the government and the country ‘will not take any kind of dictation whatsoever’. The new president, Dr. Abdul Qadeer Khan remained unavailable for comment.



Giant sea monster invades Sea View

By Muhammad Omar Iftikhar


Last evening at around six, a giant sea monster spread fear amongst the residents of Sea View and Defence. Sources said people saw the monster rise from the Arabian Sea, almost ten kilometers away from the shore. The monster had a height of at least thirty feet. Panic gripped the area but people thronged to seaside for a glimpse of the monster. Later it was revealed that the famous restaurant near the beach placed an inflatable sea monster balloon as a gimmick by the restaurant for publicity. Free drinks were later distributed among the spectators who were thrilled by the restaurant’s promotional strategy.




Pakistan introduces maggot warfare

By Jasir Jawaid


In a bid to curb Taliban’s movement, the ruling political administration has introduced a new form of modern warfare and has decided to send its most evil force into the Taliban safe haven.


The strongholds are now being destroyed by the army, air force and the ‘Maggot Combat Troops.’ Thirteen million of these slimy, blood-sucking, attracted to Taliban, out-of-mind version of war machines have been dispatched into the battle zones.


Several countries, including Russia and the U.S., have asked the Pakistani government to give them training on the newest and the safest way to infiltrate enemy lines.


Sources with knowledge of the matter have told us that the idea was tossed to the president by his predecessor, the commando-turned Army General-turned military dictator-turned President-turned civilian-turned democrat-turned international speaker and WHS’ idol.


Lauding the move, the president said in a news conference, “Footages of scratching Taliban warriors running for the mountains to hide, have proven how successful this endeavour has been. Maggots khappay, maggots khappay, maggots khappay.”


The head of Al-Qaeda has, meanwhile, deplored the use of the maggot warfare, dubbing it “a crime against humanity.”



Pakistan takes the crown as the world’s strongest economy

By Ayesha Parvez Irfan


According to the annual report issued by the World Bank in its annual conference yesterday, Pakistan is leading the world’s economy.


In a stupendous series of events, the demand for Pakistani manufactured goods has quadrupled since the last six months. The growth in the world’s population has led to an over whelming demand for good quality garments and agricultural products made in Pakistan. The big economies of the world are lining up to invest in the ripe and be a part of the growing economy of Pakistan. Insiders predict that this state of affairs would finally bring an end to the poverty and corruption in the country.



Supreme Court cuts down electricity and flour prices

By FD Sheikh


Chief Justice of Pakistan Atif Alif Kardari taking suo moto action has ordered an immediate reduction in prices of basic necessities of life. As a result of which OGRA (the Oil and Gas Regulatory Authority), WAPDA and Food Ministry are directed to reduce per unit price of petrol, electricity and flour by Rs. 30, Rs. 5 and Rs. 25 respectively. New price of these basic supplies of life, prevailing from August 1, would be Rs. 90/liter, Rs.15/Unit and Rs. 60/kg respectively. The CJ vowed that the judiciary would not allow any unconstitutional move.


Commenting on the righteous move of CJ, the PM of Pakistan Miss Meera G said, “It is indeed a very positive step. First CJ made graduation mandatory for sitting in Parliament and now this step would further strengthen democracy in the country.



Pakistan has its desi breed of vampires

By Rabia Tanveer


A latest and shocking report states that a breed of real life vampires are present in Pakistan that will make you forget the celluloid sparkling ones with their contrasting nature. These blood suckers feed only on the blood of naive Pakistani inhabitants in a way no one notices. They escape to foreign states when needed back home, can read the thoughts of an average Pakistani, and disappointingly, are not admirable at all. They are mean, vile, apparently educated but with phony degrees and are totally corrupt. It seems that due to the gullible nature of the innocent natives of this beautiful land nobody ever recognises their true colours.


These money obsessed creatures have palaces all over the world so that they can move anywhere safer when ‘wanted’ in their own homeland. They have the power to babble never ending convincing words and make shallow promises.


Unfortunately, it has been discovered so late that these vampires have strengthened their roots in Pakistani politics and making them leave the political system seems nearly impossible. Now the point to ponder is, ‘Where the hell are the warewolves??!’




Fairylands do exist!

By Momal Mushtaq


After the formal declaration of Tinkerbell (the fairy from Peter Pan adventures) that Fairyland exists, the whole world is fascinated. Kids, all over the world, in excitement, have been packing their bags and insisting their parents to move to Lucerne, the heart of Switzerland, where the discovery has been made. From fairies to pixies… all the tiny creatures from Enid Blyton’s stories that were considered imaginary once have been publicly sited at various places of the city. Morover, an exotically dressed pixie was openly seen using the pixie dust at the shore of Lake Lucerne last night. Youtube is flooded with hundreds of such videos and the mankind is awed by one of the most striking discoveries in the history of mankind.

Jashlur Mehran’s hidden talents!


By Abdullah Khan


“Everyone should show his hidden talent to the world,” said Maulana Jashlur Mehran during a press conference on Thursday. He has signed his first movie ‘Born to Dance’ with Jennifer Lopez. The director of the movie is James Cameron, the man behind Titanic. It is said to be based on street dancing and Jashlur Mehran will appear as a hip hop dancer in it. While talking to the media about his role, he said, “Pakistan is under crises due to the flawed foreign policies of the rulers and this movie will bring a positive change in the living standards of ghareeb and lachaar log of our country. Entertainment, after all, is what our nation needs the most at the moment”.


Rouzia Shahab rebuted Jashlur Mehran’s stand and believes that he would not be able to match up with J-Lo. “I am 100 per cent sure that Jashlu can’t dance!” shared Rouzia Shahab.

Furthermore, Imran Khan commented on the issue, “What else can one expect in a country where an NRO-zada saddar is sitting? Obviosuly! Some substandard movies hitting the cinema screens. To top it, we will now have to see Jashlu doing hip hop. What an injustice!”

(The article was originally published in The News and was compiled by Ali Suleman)
 
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Posted by on June 20, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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